Oh how it hardens, and it numbs

I might possibly be a little bit bonkers for taking a job where my adult child/responsibility kink is also my job.  You know, chasing people around to make sure they have everything that they need, helping them out when they’re in tough situations, answering questions and handing out knowledge, calling people out on their shit, trying to give people a chance to turn their shit around before it gets to the point of no return, having shitloads of busywork because feelings are stressful but getting through a to-do list is awesome… it’s all stuff that I wish other people had done for me, had offered to me, had done in a frank, kind, straightforward, no-bullshit way.

But taking it on as a 40+ hour a week paid, responsible job when I have my own triggers and don’t always understand why people do objectively stupid things?  It makes me really, unreasonably angry when people continue to do really dumb stuff in the face of being given a chance to turn things around (hello, projection much, I know that people are afraid or stalled or just sometimes in hella denial) and have trouble setting aside my own personal anger from my need to be calm and cool and zen on the job (and/or put on the professional bitchface, but that’s different from personal rage…).

It’s stressful.  It’s also rewarding, because sometimes, people do listen, people do let me help, and I need to believe I’m doing this because I want to help them and not just because I need the ego gratification.  But I am feeling kind of in over my head sometimes in a really, what was I thinking mindset, and all the reinforcement from younger managers at the company who have been there a while and think I’m doing a good– even a great job, and those are their words– it doesn’t soothe the inner part of me that still feels like it’s treading cold water, far from the shore.  I made the choice to be here, I’m going to make the best of it, still, but I need to stop trying to reality check and find someplace outside of work to just.  Breathe.  Swim back to the shore.  Get solid ground under my feet once again.  Learn how to get past my shit and be really, really good at my job so that I believe it and don’t need other people to tell me.

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