Work: an embarrassment of riches…

… at least when it comes to book titles.  Some of the recent observations I’ve made in the course of my daily management and bookselling rounds have included the following future non-fiction bestsellers.

  • Toddlers & Terrorists Never Negotiate– Why Bobby Won’t Listen and Other Lessons in Child-rearing from a Life in Retail.
  • Why am I on the floor (and other existential questions)?
  • Is it whiskey time yet?
  • Just Because It’s a Public Bathroom Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Have to Flush (aka, I’ll define “disgusting” for you…)
  • Bookstore Organization Hypotheticals:  A proposal for merchandise management by book color, presence of an animal/flower on the Cover, or occurrence of articles such as “the,” “and,” or “or.”  (The Endless Table Proposal, aka, there are five books in print that are blue with dogs on the cover, and two that are green, with pink flowers.)
  • It’s Called Overhead, Dumbass: If You Could Remember What it Was Called, You’d Already Have Bought it Online
  • Managers Cry When You Don’t Alphabetize
  • Manners are for Customers, Too: Hands off the staff, and keep your thoughts and your eyes to yourself.  (aka, Tell me to “Smile, sweetheart,” one more time and I’ll deck you.)
  • Cameraphones and Copy Machines: How to Take a Picture of Your Work Schedule So As to Avoid Your Manager Waking You Up and Everyone Being Generally Unhappy
  • Pay First, Read Later.  (aka, No, you cannot “borrow” the paper and sit in the Cafe for six hours and then not refold it properly, you goddamned cheap slob, aka, it’d be a great job if it weren’t for the customers, aka academic libraries run on the stack system have the right goddamned idea because if I find any more porn in with the Bibles, I’m going to scream.)
  • How Dumb Do You Think I Am?  Adventures in Attempted Returns.
  • Can I help you? A guide to manners, inside voices, and not knocking things over for adolescents and teens.
  • We Don’t Throw Things, We Wield the Banhammer: A remedial course in manners for parents who let their children throw property-damaging tantrums in stores.
  • Soy Milk is Not a Constitutional Right (Yes, There’s an Upcharge)
  • Lift with the Knees and Use Lots of Lotion: A Work Safety Guide to Avoid Backaches, Paper Cuts, and Contact Dermatitis
  • The Police Only Come When You Steal
  • Found Money: The Life of a Lost and Found Box
  • Hage: Hatey-Rage, or, NO, SIR, THE STORE IS CLOSED, YOU CANNOT COME IN NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU GIVE ME THE FINGER.  Sir.  : )
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3 thoughts on “Work: an embarrassment of riches…

  1. magpiemusing

    Hage. I like that.

    Once upon a time, I worked at a theater. There was a woman there – who dealt with the public. Her mantra was “they don’t read, they don’t listen and they don’t care”. I think of her often.

    Reply
  2. Dawn

    Love it! “The Police Only Come When You Steal”–hee hee… I’m thinking you should join the customers_suck community on LJ and share your stories, or post on Not Always Right. Or maybe not–sometimes those stories make me despair for the human race (how do we not know that 10+10=20?)

    Reply

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