I was horribly lonely when I left my husband. I am still awkward and an introvert, at least when I am not on an upswing. I try to go out of my way to be pleasant and funny, but my default is grouchy and put out that people aren’ t doing sensible things, with a frequent side helping of self- pitying “no one will ever love me again and it’s not like I’m worth it, regardless” hate and car-crying, because I can’t do it at home (Dad yells at me for being too sensitive) and I can’t do it at work (the manager can’t sob on her managees’ shoulders).
I know that there are still going to be days when I feel that lonely, unloved and unloveable. But tonight, when I was on the phone with a colleague with whom I’d once had a flirtation, nothing more, and now was talking to about something for work, well– they said, in their usual charming way, “anything for you, you know that.”
Months ago, it would have made me angst, either because it was an empty flirtation or because no one else closer to me in my life (hmm, gee, my husband?) would have ever said something like that, much less have been as helpful as this colleague had and has been, in large and small professional ways. But tonight, I could just be grateful that here was someone ready and willing to do me a favor, whatever the reasons, and I could know I would do the same while no longer eating my heart out. I could just be thankful for the pleasant moment of someone who got where I came from, and to thank them for that.
I won’t thank them for this larger realization, that hey, wow, I have finally gotten to that healthy point of not giving a goddamn if people aren’t going to give back, but not needing to spend six years overthinking it either. Sometimes people you like don’t do the things that you want, and you can’t (and don’t want to) make them. It’s ok to move on, but be happy to talk to them every once in a while.
Just like that, with one little call.