Wonders. Or irony, blackest?

It never ceases to amaze me how:

1) you (meaning I, I use the distancing second person here) can call your shrink and finally admit “I am having strong suicidal ideation, I want to take all my pills, I have to take lots of my benzos in order to get through work, I am afraid to go home and be alone, the only thing that stops me right now is the thought that I will give my father a heart attack” and then have a detailed conversation about all the reasons (and non-reasons, because the fact is, yes, you’ve got a lot going on, but the fact, too, is, you’re also just crazy and it’s grey out and winter) you feel so hopeless and helpless with a fairly low threshold of sobbing and a reasonable level of ability to think about it more clearly once I’ve finally been able to say– yeah.  I really want to do it, but I’ve been very, very, carefully rationing myself to just the meds I am supposed to be taking.  And then they give you more pills, except this time, magically, you don’t have the urge to take all of them all at once.  And there’s a new pill.  (You pray.)

2) how long it can take to realize 1).

3) how much of a difference it makes to hear someone say “I would really miss you if you did that,” or “I really wish that you wouldn’t” or “you seem really blue, are you okay?” and the overwhelming, overflowing sadness and joy that provokes at the same time, and how afterward, you berate yourself for withdrawing inside your head and not telling someone or even asking someone to say– I feel really helpless and hopeless and heartbroken and lonely.  Would you please tell me I’m worth something?  But then you remind yourself not to berate yourself too much because, hey.  Sometimes, you’re crazy.  And if that’s not okay, well, it’s still okay, if you know what I mean.

4)   Oh the demons come, they can subside.  (Bon Iver is maybe not the best thing to listen to when you’re feeling nihilistic, except when he is.)


16 thoughts on “Wonders. Or irony, blackest?

  1. Mrs. G.

    Sweetie, you are worth so much. I’ve been reading you for years, long enough to know you have many talents, a fine (ok, occasionally imbalanced) mind and a big heart. Anything else your brain is telling you is a lie and it WILL PASS.
    Plus, I’m coming to Boston the week of April 10th and I want to have coffee with you, breathing! xoxoxoxoxoxo
    Email me if you need to vent and I’ll send you my number. I’m a good listener.

    1. shecurmudgeon Post author

      It’s a date. : ) xoxo And yes– I know it’s mostly a biochemical lie, and exaggerated responses to things anyone would normally be aggravated/upset by. I guess I’m “lucky” I was just not kooky enough to say “wow, I’m really kooky right now.”

  2. Janet

    You! Are! Worthy!!! A great writer, fantastic picnic planner, lovely conversationalist…smart AND cute! I would miss you terribly…do we need another Wegman’s trip?

  3. alejna

    You are an amazing, strong, multi-talented woman. You write beautifully and powerfully, and you have touched the many people who have read your words. (Including me.)

    Thinking of you.

  4. Dawn

    Absolutely you are worth something–actually a whole lot more!!!! You are a wonderful person who has had a hard row to hoe and you have done wonderful things for many people. I have faith things will work out for you–unfortunately, it only happens one day at a time and rarely can be rushed. You always have an ear here, amiga–2, actually, for Rob would say the same. So PLEASE never think you aren’t valued.

    And remember that Rob & I want you at our wedding so we can toast you as part of the very reason we met. By being you, with your talents and willingness to put yourself out there, you opened the path for me to meet my other half–not to mention provide all those cute Serendipitious things we borrowed, lock, stock and barrel! 😀


      1. Robert

        To echo the LOML, never, ever, think you are not valued, loved, thought of constantly by so many of the people whose lives you’ve touched, and always for the better. I think back to when we first corresponded, to the first story of yours that I read, to that instant connection I felt with someone who wasn’t just clever or smart, she actually got it – that indefinable something that so few writers can tap into, that thing that comes so naturally to you. From a few simple fanfics, from a few simple reviews, exchanges back and forth, you changed me, you inspired me, you continue to inspire me, and in so many ways you are the reason for Dawn and I being together. You matter, Erika, to me, to Dawn, to all your friends and it will be a damned dark day when you forget that. Also, we’re not even sitting you at the table in the back with the 3rd cousins no one talks to and the friends of friends who only came because they’re Dad’s a CPA and it is Tax Season after all, no we’re sitting you center left, away from the speaker columns but close to the sweets table and not too far from the bathrooms – that’s prime real estate!

        Be well, get better, come to our wedding and do the chicken dance…plus, Karaoke! (but don’t tell Dawn, she hates that idea!)


  5. savia

    You’re my favourite and I heart you.

    I’ve been having a really rough time this winter as well. Seasonal Affective Disorder has been kicking my ass. Hang in there, lady. Spring is coming, literally and metaphorically.


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