You get to the point with the depression where there’s a lift, almost a lurch in your stomach like when the airplane you’re flying in stutters off of the ground, and then, there, you feel like you’re more than no longer Earthbound but no longer subterranean anymore– you feel like Daedalus, flapping toward cruising altitude, mythical and therefore invincible again, especially since you built the wings from painstaking scratch– or at least able to keep your eyes on the horizon and not just on the ground.
Except you’re not in a plane, that sleek steel and landing gear there to protect you from the thin air, or you’ve forgotten not to fly too close to the sun, or maybe your wing muscles are just out of shape and you stutter back to the ground and you return hard and fast toward the Earth, arms and legs and wings flailing as you try to brace yourself.
It’s not the fall that kills you. It might be the crash, the shock of it enough to make everything black. It might be the disappointment after you roll over from hitting the ground a little bit hard, and looking up to see just how far away the sky really still is, because the thought of having lifted off and not made it once is enough to make you think I’m sick of falling, staying here is just easier.
I had a good job interview, the manager is going to call my references, and we’ll see what we’ll see. But a good productive week and a half was followed by yesterday’s sadness and feelings of broken pinions and fatigued flight muscles in light of my best friend’s upcoming wedding this weekend and all the planning and prep I haven’t been able to help her with despite the fact that I promised. But we’ll go to the wedding, despite my urge to ostrich my head again and admit my wings are just vestiges of an Ideal I’m not going to reach. And I’ll call the therapists whose names my shrink gave me this morning, when she told me she was proud of me for the little I’ve done, and uttered her professional opinion that things could be worse and that I’d work through this.
The YouTube clip isn’t a non-sequitur, it’s just my other favorite band (viva Cake forever and ever) and while this isn’t my favorite song of theirs, it’s a “nice” encapsulation of the depressive mindset.
I’m feeling a bit like Icarus now. I’ll get over it. You, my dears, though– you’re gorgeous in your (metaphorical) evening gown(s).