Oh my God! Did you hear?!? It snowed today in the Northeast! It’s going to snow more tomorrow! And maybe even on Sunday! We might even get fifteen inches before the weekend’s over! Which is just over a foot, by my calculation, but NO, it’s like a BLIZZARD or something. (Let’s humor me and stick with the something, mmkay?)
AAAGGGHHHH! Quick, everyone run to the grocery store and hit each other in your overgrown SUVs while you drive in a panicked lemming-like frenzy in the parking lot, and let’s shut down the state and city offices, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STAY OFF THE ROADS! In fact, let’s get the plows out there before it starts snowing, so they can practice. Plus, it’s cool when the metal drives sparks up when the plow scrapes bare road. Or maybe that’s just me.
AND, let’s all leave work early, and whine at the bosses until they buy us pizza for lunch, too, because while it didn’t start snowing until 2, there was a POSSIBILITY that if anyone had to go outside to get lunch they might get SNOWED ON and then be all “I’m melting! What a world!” (although you would think that would justify the push to go home earlier, but apparently a free lunch was more important at that moment) and let’s act HORRIFIED when some of your coworkers and/or the attorneys you work for (who have hours to bill) say they’re not leaving ASAP because they live right on the train line with a less than five minutes’ walk on either end, but then the snow is a far-distant second.
Because, OH MY GOD, YOU TAKE THE TRAIN TO WORK? You are so, so, brave.
It’s Boston, it’s called winter, you pussies wimps. Get over it. And while you’re at it, get shoveling. And so help me, if I catch you tossing your snow out into the street rather than tossing it into your yard, you goddamned lazy assholes jerkfaces, well, I might just post your name on my sparsely-read frequently New York Times quoted-blog. So there. Grrr.
Happy snow days, all.
Update: I should say this– if you’re not from an area where this is the norm, then yes, it is right to be cautious and maybe even a little freaked out with real snowfall. But if you’ve lived someplace where it invariably snows more than five times a year each winter for your whole life– then, like I said. OMG. WTF?