Singing myself to sleep

As I lie awake at 4:16 a.m., wired with anxiety because my aunt called me to tell me my mother’s gone manic again, I’m trying to think not of the conversation I had with Mom last night where I broke down and started sobbing and begged her to go to the E.R. with my aunt later this morning for me, even if she wouldn’t do it for her. Instead, and for the first time in a while, I’m remembering how she used to make up songs to sing us to sleep when we were little. I haven’t thought about that in a long time– I’ve been so focused on the negative recently. But Mrs. Chicken’s post about how her little one is starting to want to do without the evening songs and music brought it all back. Thank you, Mrs. C., for a little light memory in the present darkness.

And thank you, too, NYJLM, for the reminder that there is an After to the After, and that once the initial shock of rearranging your views of your world is over, it’s possible to pick up and carry on the best you can. Today’s hard memories in the making will still be hard, but I will be able to temper them, and remember the easier things, too.

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5 thoughts on “Singing myself to sleep

  1. sognatrice

    I love when we’re reminded of something lovely by a completely unexpected source in the middle of what is otherwise complete crap surrounding us.Also reminds that you never know when someone will be reading your words and have a similar moment.Thanks for continuing to write.

    Reply
  2. Mrs. Chicken

    I’m glad my words gave you a moment of happiness. And I’m sad that you are feeling so bad. Nothing is worse than watching someone you love spiral out of control. I watched my mom go through something similar. It is very strong, and what you are going through is very, very hard.xoxo to you friend.

    Reply
  3. andrea_frets

    I’m sorry about what you are going through. It’s amazing how blogs and the internet and internet friends can be so comforting at time. In my simplistic and juvenile way, I’ll say: HURRAY FOR BLOGGING!i’ve had a few glasses of wine.

    Reply
  4. savia

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’ve also been in the position of having to try and coerce my mother into going to the hospital when she’s gone off her meds and crashed after a manic episode. There was even a time when we had to go to the court house and file papers to have her committed against her will, and the police had to come and take her because she wouldn’t go on her own.So, I know this feeling very well. I’m just so sorry that you have to go through it, too.

    Reply
  5. nyjlm

    I can’t imagine having to worry over my mom in this way, I’m sorry. I hope that she will become more open to getting help.Thank you for your note about my post. I’m glad it was helpful. I banged my head against that wall for a long time, and then I was finally tired of fighting with my dad. Perspective changes, it is slow sometimes, but you’ll get there.

    Reply

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