Relief, revelation, regret

I woke up this morning feeling, if not bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, then practically productive in every way, two weeks into my first of two titration dose increases on my antidepressant. What a relief to feel better– to be able to get out of bed, get going out the door, start returning calls and dictation in the car, and to get to work as soon as I get in to the office. What a further relief to not be constantly carb-hungry, to not be irritable, to be less mentally exhausted, to not feel sorry for myself and misunderstood because I have to WORK! and can’t stay home and READ! and DRINK WINE! all day. And what a relief to have recognized it at an early enough point to prevent fallout, this time.

As I was thinking this, I had the revelation that managing my moods is in large part a function of simply watching my moods, so that I can talk to my shrink about adjusting my meds. That there’s such a direct response in either direction simplifies things immensely… not that there still aren’t things that I can do to work on my mood predispositions, but still, the meds seem to be key.

But that it’s so simple, in the end, makes me really sad. I spent so much of my late teens and twenties feeling miserable, misunderstood, crazy, bad, undeserving, you name the negative ideation. If I had been less stubborn about seeking some medical help, if someone who thought there was more to my moods than just being “sensitive” or “intellectually eccentric” had insisted I needed help, who knows? I could have been diagnosed properly at a much earlier point, and saved myself a lot of misery, not to mention the misery and confusion I inflicted on my friends, family, and colleagues. There’s nothing I can do to change what was, except hope that I can be helpful enough to someone else in need of help so that they suffer fewer regrets than I’m feeling right now.


3 thoughts on “Relief, revelation, regret

  1. Cranky Amy

    All the stuff you went through before has made you who you are today, able to clearly see what you are dealing with and how to handle it. Had you not been through those experiences, you could still be dealing with yourself in much different ways. Don’t sell yourself short on the you had to go through to get to where you are. (if that makes any sense at all)

  2. Mrs. G.

    I have been lurking here for some time. I love this blog. It’s just the perfect blend of mood and food, two things I am all too familiar with. Thanks for the writing and the recipes.

  3. BipolarLawyerCook

    Cranky Amy– it does make sense, and I know what you mean. I inherited a large and useless share of what my dad calls “romantic melancholy,” and I call “useless what-iffing”– my therapist says “if the what if doesn’t become a now then, forget it!”Mrs. G., thanks for commenting, and thank you for the compliments. I’ll try to keep it up!


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